


i’m scared of myself

by DCnovels



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Bruce Wayne - Freeform, Cute moments with Harley and Joker, DC Comics References, F/M, Fluff, Gotham City - Freeform, Joker and Harley love, Martha Wayne - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, POV Joker (DCU), Power Couple, Sad, Serious Mental Illness, Trigger Warnings, a ton of sad moments, arthur fleck - Freeform, thomas Wayne - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-11-28 13:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20967191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DCnovels/pseuds/DCnovels
Summary: It’s 1992. Eleven years after Arthur Fleck had killed many Gotham citizens in spite of what he had been through in the past. Still in Arkham Asylum, his mind ponders of many “what if’s” and random scenarios of how he can leave this hell inside of him. His therapist, Harley Quinzel, mentors him but what she doesn’t know Arthur has a whole other world going on inside his head, dreaming of her as they speak.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m new here, so please be patient as I get used to the gadgets and people. Thank you! :)

TW: Self harm thoughts and triggering content. Proceed with caution.

Arthur’s P.O.V.

My eyes fill with tears as white noise enshrouded my head. Gunshots, blood dripping, and screams were just an echo as I watch the city of Gotham fall apart in front of me. 

“Mr. Fleck.” Her voice cut me off from my own thoughts. 

I clenched my teeth, staring out the grey tinted window. 

Her strawberry blonde curls flowed down to her shoulders. Her bright green eyes piercing through my skin like a knife. She has perfect pearly white teeth that no one could ever compare with. And a name that even the most insane can fall in love with.

Harley Quinzel. 

Though, I hate it that she was my therapist. She has heard what I have done and I don’t even want to look into those beautiful eyes of hers. 

“Mr. Fleck?” She asked, her tone soft and high pitched. Her warm palm placed gently on my back. I instantly flenched, gazing back to her. 

She was wearing different makeup than yesterday. A hint of blush covered her cheeks, just some mascara to distract me of her dark under eye circles. I could tell she was up taking care of other patients all night again.

“Mr. Fleck...” She stammers. “What are you doing?”

I didn’t respond. 

She sighs quietly, slowly sitting down next to me. “What are you thinking about?” 

Her soothing voice made my heart skip a beat. I pursed my lips, and gazed back to the window. She forces a small smile, as she tucked one of my brown locks behind my ear. 

“You know,” she started. “You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you, or shame you. I... I understand what you are going through...” 

I looked back to her, taking a good glance of her symmetrical facial features.

“I’m here for you.” She whispers, her eyebrows scrunching together in a way that she wanted to hear every little thing about me. 

But in all reality, how much would she hear from me until she runs away like the others?


	2. Chapter 2

“Mr. J!” I hear from the other side of the room. 

Harley Quinn came up to me with her skin tight red and white body suit that hugged all of her curves. She had a bat in one hand and a pistol in the other. She giggles as she handed me the pistol, giving me a quick peck on the cheek as she did so.

“I put the body out back like you wanted me to,” she said, her eyes gazing into mine. She then takes in a deep breath and says, “J... can I ask you somethin’?” 

“What is it, kitten?” I reply quickly, she gently grabs the collar of my yellow vest and pushes herself on her tippy-toes so she could really be face to face with me. “You’re short.” I teased.

She blushes, then she puckers her lips and tries to kiss me but I stop her by putting my hand on her mouth. 

“You’re gonna ruin my makeup,” I said, implying my clown makeup that was freshly put on. 

“Does it matter?” She insists.

“Yes,” I answered. “Because I have an interview soon.” 

“Just one?” She asks, giving me puppy eyes. 

“You know that I like looking my best,” I said, pushing her off of me. 

“What do you want me to do while I’m here... all alone?” Harley says quietly. 

I turn around as I put the pistol in my wast belt. “Go find some people for me and bring them here.” 

She giggles loudly, “whatever works for you, Mr. J!” 

She swings the bat a couple of times, skipping as she past by me. “Be quick with that interview, J! I will have a special present for you when you get back here.” 

“Don’t worry, I will,” I smiled slightly, “he will be begging for mercy in just a matter of seconds.” 

“Oh, one more thing, J?”

I narrowed my eyes as I saw someone walking towards me. 

“Mr. J?” 

Everything started to get more blurry and fuzzy. What was going on? 

“...Mr. J?”

I blinked a couple of times, rubbing my eyes. 

“Mr. Fleck?” 

I breathed in deeply while I turned away from the static TV. Harley Quinzel approached me with a food tray in hand. 

She smiles, sitting next to me and handing me the tray. “You looked like you were in deep thought, so I might as well got you some dinner.” 

I swallowed nervously, the lump in my throat getting bigger as I knew I wanted her to be someone she wasn’t.

“Thank you.” I croaked. 

She clears her throat, “so, what were you thinking about?” 

I chuckled. 

She has no idea. 

“Why are you laughing? Is it another joke?” She asked me. 

I laughed softly once more, then shaking my head. “You wouldn’t get it.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Do you like pudding?” Harley Quinzel asked me. She had a soft expression on her face as she asked this random and honestly, stupid question. 

I didn’t respond.

She shifted in her chair, trying to engage of a conversation that she will never squeeze out of me. 

“Well,” she starts. “I like vanilla pudding. Chocolate is way too rich for me.” She tapped her pen on her notepad, then chewed on her bottom lip. 

I squinted my eyes at her, noticing she was wearing more makeup than yesterday. More blush, more mascara, and I could tell the foundation on her skin just didn’t settle right in her pores. I could tell she gets acne easily but I didn’t want to point it out.

I have always wanted to see her without makeup. She would look so much more pretty without all of those chemicals on her face. 

“Is there anything you would like to say before I close this session?” she questioned. 

Looking away from her, I sighed, taking a long drag of the cigarette as I lean my head back and close my eyes, thinking of something different.

“Puddin’!” Harley Quinn said. She skipped to me with the bat swinging back and forth. Her tight body suit had not changed, but her blue eyeshadow and dark red lipstick was smeared. 

I gazed to her, “is that a new nickname you are calling me?” 

“Of course, I thought you would like it.” She said. 

I scoffed.

“What? You don’t like it, J?” 

“It’s just different, that’s all.” 

“Well, I can call you many other things than just that.” she said in a lower tone. She then tossed the bat to the side she was holding onto and held onto my shoulders and kissed me. She giggles as she pushed away and twirled as if she accomplished something great. 

I chuckled, watching her dance. She grabbed my hands as we both danced to no music, but to laughter instead. 

“Mr. J, you’re such a good dancer!” She bursts. 

“Mr. Fleck? Are you there? Is there anything else you would like to say before I end this session?” Harley Quinzel said, snapping me back into reality.

I open my eyes, taking a good glance at her.

“Are you a good dancer?” I asked.


	4. Chapter 4

“It hurts me to see you like this,” Harley Quinzel spoke, her words gentle but not kind. She tucked her blonde hair behind her ear as she scribbled down some more notes in her thick notepad. “Would you rather do something else right now other than talking?” She asks me. 

Her eyes gazed to the silver hand cuffs on me. I could tell Harley was uncomfortable again. 

She set her notepad down on the coffee table that divided us, then she crossed her arms, leaning back in the black leather chair.

“Tell me one of your jokes.” She said. 

“Let me out of this hell hole.” I replied without any hesitation.

Her mouth gaped in surprise, but she laughs nervously to escape the tension between us. “That’s a good one.”

“It’s not a joke.” I quickly said.

“It’s... not?” Her eyebrows raised. “well, I think it is.” 

I clenched my teeth. “You think me being here is funny?”

“What? No... no.” She forces a chuckle. “I-Um... let’s talk about something else? Shall we?”


	5. Chapter 5

“What are you watchin’?” Harley Quinzel said to me, sitting next to me as she turns to the TV displaying the current news. 

“...Bruce Wayne, the son of Thomas and Martha Wayne, has just ordered a new campaign for Gotham. He has donated about 5.3 million dollars to charity, and donated 7.9 million to the GCPD. He has said that ‘the streets are swept of criminals and it should be that way forever.’ We asked him for his opinion on what happened eleven years ago, when Arthur Fleck, or so called Joker took over Gotham for such a short period of time, he replied, ‘Scum like him should never see the light of day ever again. He is the reason why my parents died and so many other innocent Gotham citizens died. I never want to see him walk out of Arkham Asylum in my life. He deserves a life sentence to that insane asylum.’ Back to you Susan...”


	6. Chapter 6

TW: attempt of suicide. Proceed with caution.

I breathed in deep as I lay on the cold hard floor of Arkham Asylum. Blood pooled around me as I gaze to the pasty white ceiling. 

I wheezed a laugh, not noticing the gash on my forehead. 

Sirens was heard all around me. 

I swallowed thick blood that ran down my throat as I traced my fingers along the cracks and crevices of the tile floor.

I forgot Harley was right beside me sobbing, with a phone in her hand she was describing of what I have done to myself. Her eyes were filled with horror. 

She kept telling me things like, “just breathe, you’re going to be okay,” and “an ambulance is on their way.” 

I groaned, turning my head as I felt a throbbing pain grow in me. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I just kept heavily breathing of what I have just done to myself.

Smashing my head into a mirror was not the most fond thing I could have done.

Why am I so stupid?

“I-I need to get up,” I told her, struggling to sit up but she pushed me back down gently. 

“No, Arthur, I need you to lay down. You are bleeding too much too fast.” She told me.

“I don’t want to die...” I mumbled.

“And you’re not going to,” She said. “Just listen to me and try to keep your eyes open.” 

Just listen to her...

Listen...


	7. Chapter 7

The moonlight draped over the skyline of Gotham City. It was rare to see the sky as clear as this night, seeing the stars clearly without a distraction. 

The light cool night breeze caused goosebumps rise upon my fair skin. Cigarette smoke blew across the wind, swirling around into nothingness.

I look behind me to see my dear Harley Quinn tying two people up in thick ropes. They struggled as she giggles.

I then flick the cigarette from my fingers, walking slowly to her with my hands in my pockets of my bright red suit. 

“Justa minute puddin’!” She breaths heavily, tired from holding down the victims. 

I narrowed my eyes to see who she has caught to torture this time.

The Wayne’s.

But... they are dead-

No, Arthur, this is your imagination. Anything can be real. 

I chuckled, then ripping off the duct tape from Martha’s mouth. Martha Wayne spits at me, also trying to kick me.

“Hey!” Harley exclaims, grabbing her bat. “That’s the Joker you’re messin’ with!”

Before Harley could take a good swing at Martha, I stopped her. Harley looks at me with surprise.

“Don’t,” I told her. “I got this.” 

“But puddin’-” Harley tries to negotiate with me, but I interrupt her. 

“If I need your help I will tell you. But... these are the Wayne’s,” I said with a small smile as if my clown makeup didn’t complete it. “We need to make them at home. Feel like they are accepted in the darkest places.” 

“You’re sick.” Martha said. 

I laughed coldly, taking off Thomas’s duct tape. 

He grunts, staring me down with those ugly looking eyes of his. 

“I don’t care what you do to me. Just don’t hurt Martha.” Thomas said.

I squatted in front of him, grabbing his face, letting my fingers squeeze tight on his cheeks. He struggles, trying to rip away from my grasp but he fails.

“Awe, what’s wrong?” I say softly. “...dad?”

“I’m... not your dad.” He replied, shifting in the chair he was tied to. “You will never be my son. You are a disgrace to Gotham. You are horrid to look at. No one loves you. Not even your own mother. You are a joke!” 

I let go off his face and roar in laughter. Tears welled in my eyes as I walk away from them and Harley. 

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I shifted my heel and walked back to him, pulling a decent sized knife from my pocket.

“You look down,” I told him, a single tear falling from my eye. “I can’t see my victims look sad.” I then pulled both of the corners of his mouth up, showing his yellow-stained teeth. 

“No! Please don’t hurt him!” Martha screams as I push the knife closer to his skin.

I chuckled as I gazed to Martha. “Harley, do me the honors and shut up Mrs. Wayne for me, please?”

“My pleasure, puddin’!” She squeaks, raising the bat to Martha. “Batter up!”


	8. Chapter 8

“Yes, I know, doctor but-“ Harley Quinzel’s voice suddenly enshrouded me.

“I understand your concern Ms. Quinzel, but Fleck was trying to hurt himself and this is his fifth time this year of an attempt of suicide.” 

“Please, doctor, h-he didn’t want to die, he told me before the paramedics came! So this can’t be considered an attempt of suicide!” 

“Then what was it? An accident? I’m sorry Quinzel but I cannot tell the press that. It was obvious he was in mental pain and you weren’t there for him.” 

“B-but I was there for him! I was making so much progress with him, and I-“

“Quinzel, we have given you way too many chances with Fleck. It’s best if he seeks another therapist. You just are not right fit for him.” 

“Doctor, just give me one more chance. I promise that he will never set foot in this hospital again. I will watch over him and I... I will make sure that he doesn’t try to hurt himself again.”

The doctor sighs. “Do you really want to know who you are counseling? The one who killed three innocent citizens, murdered a man on live TV, and made a political riot on accident eleven years ago. He has more power in his hands than you know, Quinzel. He manipulates people, and I just know you want to help him, but he’s too far from help now.” 

“Please, one more chance...” 

“Fine. If I see Fleck back in this room, you will have to step down of Fleck’s therapist. Do we have a deal?”

“Yes.”


	9. Chapter 9

I felt the warm tears cascading down my cheeks, filling up the corners of my mouth. I stood there with Thomas slumped to the floor, his body pooling in dark red blood. 

After what Thomas has said to me, what he has done to me... I just didn’t get the satisfaction by getting the last laugh. 

I could feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, gazing at what to I have thought would have been my own dad. A billionaire man has a son who is a freak, an outcast... Yeah, that totally makes sense. 

Clenching my teeth, I could tell one of my fits of laughter was going to happen. 

Harley Quinn gazed to me with the bat in her hand, Martha knocked out cold. 

“Ha ha ha!” I burst, clasping my hand over my mouth, I quickly try to leave the room.

“Puddin’ I—” Harley reaches out to grab my hand but I stop her. 

“Get away from me,” I told her. “just leave me—Ha Ha Ha!” I threw the knife to the side in anger, then grabbing my greasy green locks to stop the laughter.

My throat burned, my body ached. I wanted to do something, but I just didn’t have the energy in me anymore. 

I could feel my brain throb against my skull, my chest heaving as if I was dying.

I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me. 

I usually had control over my laughter when I am into my Joker form, but this is different. 

As I took in every breath, everything around me seemed to enclose me like water sucking me in. 

Stumbling back onto the streets of Gotham, I didn’t realize Harley was still following me. 

I turn around and try to yell at her, but I stop myself as I see her with her hand outstretched to me. Her blonde hair was tangled and matted, her red and black tight suit was torn in some places, as her teal and maroon makeup was smeared all over her beautiful face.

But those bright green eyes enticed me as I slowly grab onto her palm, she smiles as she twirls around, gesturing me to dance with her.

I take in a deep breath, taking up the offer as we both sway to no music, but the sound of screaming and sirens...


	10. Chapter 10

Months passed, the warm summer season changing into winter. Once I left the hospital Harley Quinzel just couldn’t keep her eyes off of me. And not in a good way. She watched my every move, making sure I didn't do anything bad to myself.

She would bring me dinner from the cafeteria every damn day since she didn’t trust me around the other Arkham inmates. She thought they were a ‘bad influence’ to me, even though I scare them. 

Harley didn’t wear as much makeup as she did before, maybe some blush to hide her fair skin but that was it. She got comfortable around me, and she even told me some of her secrets. Secrets I am not supposed to share with one another.

As Harley got used to being around me, I started to get used to her. She was like a friend I never had before. 

I begun to talk to her more, she seems to enjoy my company. She would take notes every single time I talked, and asked questions of what I was exactly saying. 

It was nice for someone to listen to me for a change...

A soft knock was heard at the door. 

“Am I able to come in?” Harley’s sweet voice was muffled from the door blocking between me and her. 

“Yes.” I reply. 

I gaze to the thick dark cedar door, watching Harley walk in with a small smile across her face. 

She then opens her notepad right away as she jotted a few notes here and there. 

“Sorry I wasn’t here earlier,” she started, pushing a chair next to me, then sitting down. “I was dealing with some new patients who were not the most easy to work with.” 

Just from her eyes I could tell that she hasn’t gotten descent sleep for a while. 

She yawns as she pushes her large glasses back up to the bridge of her nose.

I didn’t speak, I just let her write down whatever she wanted on the notepad. I wanted to say something, but she’s too tired to listen. So I just laid back in my chair and admire her posture, her face, and her wonderful body...

“Fleck,” She said so suddenly. “what did you do today?”

“Not much,” I answered, taking a drag of a cigarette. “just waiting for you to get here.” 

“I’m sorry,” she sighs, writing a few more things down before she yawned again. “Like... what I said, I was pretty busy.” 

“Yeah, you told me.” I responded, slowly getting out of my chair to get a glass of water. “Y’know, I was thinking today about some things and I think... I think it’s getting better out there in Gotham, and I-“ I stopped as soon as I hear a loud thud. 

I quickly look back, to see Harley on the floor softly snoring. I chuckled, not from her sprawled out on the cold tiled floor, but from how cute she was asleep. 

I kneel down and gently pick her up, grunting as I did. I was surprised of how light she was, and how she is still asleep even though I’m holding her like a baby. 

I walked to my bed and softly set her down, covering her with a blanket. She looked so monotone but peaceful in a way that calmed me. 

I sighed, sliding down onto the floor next to the bed she was laying on. Her hand was slightly hanging off the bed, my eyebrows narrowed as I grab her soft hand, tracing my fingers along the bone structure of her hand. 

I then brought her palm to my lips and kissed it, letting it linger just for a moment until I realized she will never love a freak like me.


	11. Chapter 11

The morning sunlight poured over my pale skin, I had picked up Harley’s notepad and drew her inside of it. 

She was still sleeping, her body curled in a ball like a fetus as her soft breathing somehow echoed the silent room.

I smiled, drawing some details of her body, the curvature of her hips, dipping beautifully with her hourglass figure.

I then gaze up to her once more, squinting my eyes to understand her features more. I realized that she had much more to offer with just her body as I was drawing her.

I clenched onto the pencil, feeling a deep fit of laughter almost overtaking my body. I knew if I laughed, she would wake up and I didn’t want that to happen. She looked so peaceful and beautiful just right there...

I bite down on my finger hard, closing my eyes tight to stop the fit from happening. But it didn’t work. 

I started to chuckle then burst in random laughing, my throat burning and chest aching from the pain. 

My jaws let go of my finger and realized some of the skin peeled off, blood oozing from the deep teeth marks. 

I winced as I wiped it away on my white pants.

Harley groans as I laughed, turning on the bed then eventually slowly sitting up. I clear my throat, finally able to control my laughter. 

She rubs her eyes as she looks over to me, her facial expression concerned and confused. She then swings her legs over the edge of the bed, tilting her head.

“Fleck? What happened? Did I fall asleep?” She asked.

I nodded, swallowing the lump growing in my throat. 

Her gorgeous emerald green eyes take a quick glance to the notepad I was holding. 

“What are you doing?” She says, standing up to look at my drawing. “Oh... Fleck, that’s...” she stops, gently grabbing onto her notepad to take a closer look. “Is that me?” She then quickly gazes to me in concern. 

“Yes.” I said, feeling proud of what I have put on just a piece of lined paper. 

Her cheeks then turned a dark shade of red. “Why did you draw me naked... Fleck?”


	12. Chapter 12

“Are you sure he drew this of you?” A voice seeped into my mind. “I mean, it’s very detailed. And... disturbing...”

“I don't know why. I fell asleep while I was in his room and I... I saw him drawing this picture of me.” Harley Quinzel has said, her voice shaky.

“I think you should stay away from him. He obviously has a... sexual attraction towards you. And I think this is just getting out of hand. Maybe we should-“

“No! I’ll be fine. He really likes me as a person and I am making progress with him.” Harley replies. “I will find out why he is the way is, doctor.” 

“Fine. Just make sure you keep the door open whenever you are in his room.” 

“Wait... you think, that we would have sex? Because I know Arthur and he would never do that-“ 

“Harley, I’m just keeping you safe from him. I have seen cases just like this and it had ended badly.” 

“Okay, okay. I understand. I will let you know if he tries to do anything to me. It’s just... I need to stay with him.” 

“If anything happens again, I will switch you to another patient. You got that?” 

“Yes.”


End file.
